Until now.

I had an assortment of papers and knick-knacks in a box that has been stored away for years, in my mom's attic. I decided to take a peek today.
Sometimes it's nice to revisit your past just to see how things have changed, how far you have come. This is the first things that I came to.
I remember reading this as a young teenager, over and over again. It was my favorite. So I kept it. It's funny, there were several times that I thought this applied to whomever was in my life at the moment, as long as I added a few things and omitted others. Until now.

I suppose he beat me to it, but I could have written this myself.

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments that life has thrown at you.
When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.
There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk  become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.
Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid its like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems to be part of daily like where before it was infrequent, or barely existed at all. A phone call or two during the day helps you get through the longest of days at work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there is no need for continuous conversation, but you find you are quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so unbelievably special to you. You think of them on every occasion and in everything that you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.
 You open your heart knowing that there is a chance it may get broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing that you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate, who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile.
Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
-Bob Marley

How Do You know?

How do you know when it's right? When is it really the right time to just let go of every boundary you have set in place, forget about everyone else in your past and forget all the times you have been hurt. How do you know when it's okay to take a chance again? When will someone come along that will make you look past everyone else that you pass in the future? When will you know they are the person that will change everything?

You just know.
I hate this answer. I hated feeling like my turn was just taking the scenic route and got lost along the way. I hated feeling confused. "Is this it? Maybe it's not. What if it is and I mess it up." I hated feeling like I had to sacrifice my happiness in order to keep a relationship together. Blah blah blah. You know what.... You REALLY DO just know.

You have an "aha" moment, where everything makes perfect sense. Things you overlooked before are as clear as day.

Believe that when things don't work out, it's because God has something better waiting for you.
Believe that there is someone who will love you to the ends of the earth, for everything that you are!
Believe that the only way to be truly happy is to be happy with yourself first.
Believe that perfect exists!
---------
After Amelia, my ideals changed. Her needs were more important than mine and I wasn't sure how to find someone that would be everything we both wanted and deserved.
I think Im off to a pretty good start. Whether this is for a moment or a lifetime, I think it's perfect.

So how do I know?

He never makes me feel like I'm competing for his attention.
He never leaves me to wonder.
He makes me feel beautiful and smart and special.
He never makes promises he doesn't keep.
He brushes my hair out of my face.
He challenges me.
He tells me he misses me and means it.
He makes it impossible to be upset when he is around.
He teaches me things, without even knowing it.
He encourages me.
He has an incredible smile.
He looks at me when I'm not paying attention to him.
He laughs at all my jokes, funny or not.
He is educated.
He cares about the world around us.
He has a kind heart.
He loves to hear me laugh.
He opens my car door, even when he has his hands full.
He is gentle.
He wears sweaters :)
He isn't scared to talk about the future.
He appreciates me.
He understands that my daughter will always come first.
He respects me.
He has a deeper understanding of what it means to be a man than anyone I've ever met.
He only lies to me when he says he is done tickling me.
He has a personal relationship with God.
He loves the mother that I am.
He makes me smile.
He apologizes even when he isnt wrong.
He is so predictably unpredictable.
He loves his family.
He is the funniest person I've ever met.
He sings to us.
He knows I could listen to him all day.
He picks at me, but is never mean.
He is confident but not arrogant.
He always brings out the good in me.
He has a way of making all my worries disappear.
He makes every second complete bliss.
I can't imagine a more well rounded man.
He sends me a good morning message every morning.
He is a complete goof.
He is self sufficient.
He is a man of his word.
He is just as adventurous as me.
He drives safe with me in the car, and even safer with the baby.
He never pushes me or my thoughts aside.
He pretends to enjoy things, just to appease me.
He always cheers me up.
He is genuinely concerned with our well being.
He has opinions.
He puts God first.
He helps me through even the most difficult hands im dealt.
I never feel lonely, even when we aren't together.
He always tries to make me happy.
He isn't scared to be himself with me.
He respects and loves his mother.
He isn't scared to dream big.
He lets me cry on his shoulder.
He never makes me feel small.
He accepts my past, and never uses it against me.
He makes life easy for me.
He loves my daughter.
He is always late.
He makes me strive to be a better person.
He surprises me.
He listens when I talk.
When he looks at me, he is really looking at me.
He pulls me closer, even when we are close.
He positively impacts my life daily.
He protects me.
He knows the kind of man he wants to be to his children.
He treats me like a princess.
He works hard.
He kisses my forehead.
He thinks I drive great... For a woman.
He knows what he deserves.
He talks about A almost as much as I do.
I've never heard an ill word about him.
He lets me know he cares by his actions not just his words.
He, somehow, alway knows what I am thinking.
He inspires me.
He makes me believe in fairytales.

Feel love.

"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman I feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah Blah. Don't let someone steal your tenderness. Don't allow the coldness of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it is a song, a stranger, a mountain, a raindrop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all-look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love."
-Zooey Deschanel

This woman speaks the inner works of my heart.

TIime will tell.

I'm laying in bed. Have had writer's block for a good hour... and I have no idea why I put so much effort into finding a "topic" to write about when I have all of these thoughts running through my head. I mean, isn't the point of writing to say what you can't physically express?

I've never been one for organized thoughts and planning.

It's crazy how something you never gave a second thought to becomes the entirety of every silence. 

I have always been content being alone. Especially after I found out about Amelia. 

Independence has always played a monumental role in my being. I love being self-sufficient... calling all the shots in my world. I love knowing that I can pick up and take off at a moment's notice, enjoy life as it comes and make my days, exactly, what I want them to be. Alone.

So what changed? 

The second I found out I was harboring a beautiful life, my world changed in entirety. Every goal, thought, habit, strength, weakness, belief ... was challenged. Suddenly, I find myself more domestic than I had ever imagined. Every thought, every action, is centered around my family. I want to clean and cook, I want to be proactive in the world of motherhood and help other women, I want to hold every baby I see and observe every child I cross paths with. This is all so foreign to me.

I have no desire to be involved with majority of my friends, or partake in any of the activities I once found almost euphoric. Majority of that life was based on pure ... bullshit. Maybe life has just finally been put into perspective.

As I lay here alone, I know something is missing. Something that I haven't needed, or wanted, for a long time. Someone beside me. Now is harder than ever to start dating again, and Im sure it won't happen for me for quite some time, but when it does ..... if it does .... what happens? 

I am a completely different person and I am looking for someone so foreign to my prior ideals. I have a family now, and I am not only carrying around my own standards, but I am packing on ten fold for miss A. He's got to be something beyond spectacular. 

I know that I am truthfully ready to find God's match for me. Im excited to see my little family grow and share all of those little moments with someone who appreciates them and cherishes them as much as I do. I want a partner, a lover, a friend ... an equal, a future, a husband.

fate.

     It's interesting how people come back into your life, unexpectedly, stronger than ever before. Is it coincidence? OR did the universe recognize that this is what is truly meant to me, it was just waiting for the right time to reintroduce you to your destiny?
     I believe that the right people fall into our lives at the wrong time, making them the wrong people. But, if they are truly monumental to your personal growth and life journey, they will find their way back home.
     Always have faith that what should be, will be.

"...and as it is written, so it mote be."

   
     

come in.

     For years, I have loved writing my life out on paper. I have journal after journal, each pertaining to a particular place in my life. Some of them are more like daily itinerary's while others are the deepest most inner-workings of my mind and heart. I suppose there is no right way to journal.
     I find that I regret every memory I didn't physically write down. I'm not sure if it is because reading them "jogs" my memory and takes me back to a place I had forgotten, or if it is the instant satisfaction of seeing my hand write out each detail. I think it's absolutely romantic to read someones handwritten thoughts. It takes you to that place, that moment that was so important to their being, almost hearing their voice speak the words as you read them. You can touch the pages that they touched and instantly, you can feel their energy come through those pages as strongly as if it were your own. Tell me another way to really feel and understand someone. I think that takes the cake.
     Even tho I would much rather write all of these occurrences in leather-bound books with thick aromatic pages, I've found it hard to actually write as much as I would like in the realm of motherhood. And while I have little time to write, blogging on the go, may just be my best option.
     So here it goes. My thoughts are very .... eclectic, with no rhyme or reason. There is no preparation, no well thought-out ideas to build on. Just my gypsy soul spilling out into a seemingly mad smorgasbord of thoughts.

"The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible."  ~Vladimir Nabakov