Freedom.

I began writing this blog to document my personal journey through the course of motherhood. But truth is,  my life has been impacted  in more ways than I could ever express. I often write about all the wonderful, and sometimes painful, lessons I am taught but, I rarely publish them. I never really understood what it was that was stopping me. Maybe the fear of judgement.

I curled up on the couch yesterday and, with my sweet little flower asleep in my lap,  I wrote in my journal (yes I still write in a journal haha) until my hand couldn't write any longer. It was then that I came to a realization, and I know God placed this is my heart. Don't allow the harsh comments, judgement and snarks to diminish the joy that comes from writing. Don't allow yourself to be ashamed of your past; you are washed clean and living with an open heart. You are forgiven.

I can't tell you how many times I have been told, or read, about forgiveness. And out of all those times, it never truly meant anything to me. I was in church every week as a child. That is, as soon as I had the desire to go myself. I had an amazing childhood, with the best parents I could have ever asked for, but I was never forced to go to church. I'm not sure how my life would be different now if they had, but I truly believe that them giving me a choice is why I have such a personal and desirable relationship with God. I chose to be there. I loved learning the message but had absolutely no idea what it all meant.

 As I got older, I placed my life in my own hands. I was extremely goal oriented and worked incredibly hard to achieve them. I got such an amazing sense of satisfaction reaping the fruits of my own labor. I loved knowing that, alone, I was accomplishing so many things! Life was good. Little did I know, I wasn't doing it alone.

It wasn't until about two years ago, that I truly placed my life in His hands. I have always been an extremely scientific and analytical individual. I question everything, regardless of what is set before me. You could tell me 1000 times that the sky is blue, but until I see it myself I won't accept it as fact. This mindset was what held me back from truly believing. 

What is beautiful about it all is that, regardless of me running away, questioning, defying, doubting and disagreeing with Him, He chose to come back into my heart for another round. Good thing my heart was listening. He gave me forgiveness.

I changed as a woman, not because of the words of any man or woman in physical form, not even because of my little flower, but because of what I feel in my heart and know to be true.
Just because I am dedicated to fighting the battle to glorify God everyday, does not mean that I am any less fun than I used to be. It doesn't mean I am putting on an "all righteous" act. It doesn't mean that I stand above anyone else, for I am far from perfect. It doesn't mean I am without sin, I fight everyday. It doesn't mean I don't love everyone in my life just as much as I did before. It doesn't mean that I look at anyone any differently. It doesn't mean that I am hiding my past. It doesn't mean that I cast judgement on someone with a different lifestyle. Chances are, I have been there. It doesn't mean that I expect you to be different around me than you were before. It doesn't mean that I don't recognize my own flaws. It doesn't mean that I focus on yours. It doesn't mean that I am going to witness to you every conversation we have. It doesn't mean I don't respect your opinions, your questions, your problems, your beliefs..... because I do. It doesn't mean I have lost myself.


It hurts to know people that you love think you are not the person they love. They think God is a phase.
I am not a different person, but my heart has been washed, it is new.

It hurts to know people that you love think you have become something you are not. In reality, I was being someone I wasn't when I was living for myself, not the Lord.

These are the words, experiences, lessons . . .  I want to share.

So here is to freeing my spirit, living more beautifully than ever before, casting fear out if my heart and mind and sharing this wonderful journey for the world to read.

Lost Time.

I would love to be asleep right now. But I'm unbelievably awake with only one thing on my mind. . .the immeasurable amount of love I have for my baby sisters.

When you have been dealt the cards we have been dealt, you have no choice but to stick together. Good times and bad. Our family has plenty of skeletons in the closet, and some things, I think they were too young to remember. But one thing I do know is that from as early as I can remember, I always knew it was my job to protect them. Regardless of the situation, if I knew it would hurt me, it would hurt them more. So I always pushed them behind me. 

I haven't been the greatest sister or role model to them. I haven't been a great friend. 
I cast them aside when we were younger, because it was the cool thing to do. As I got older, I chose friends and boys over them. I rarely made time for them and all we did was fight anyway.
I walked down a path of destruction, and I fear I took them with me. Our childhood was unbelievably strict. I don't say that in an exaggerated sense in the least... So the second I felt freedom, I broke loose.  I defied my parents, I went against what I knew was right, I lived without regret . . . I got pregnant.

I didn't provide them with the sister they deserved. I stopped protecting them. Sometimes God sends you a message in a very serious and life altering form. . . He told me to get it together. Stop living for yourself. Stop living like nobody else matters. . . 


While I was in Columbus enjoying the nightlife and avoiding home as much as possible, my baby sisters were growing into young women. And I missed it all. I missed their proms, football games, birthdays, boyfriends, laughter, tears . . . 
I missed being there to protect them.

While I was doing absolutely nothing productive or glorifying, they were starting a new chapter in theirs. I wish I could go back and tell them everything that I have learned and be present for all of those moments that shaped them into the beautiful young women that they are now. I don't think I will ever truly forgive myself for allowing my absence to go on for so long. Maybe they didn't miss me. But  thinking back now, God, I missed them. I miss them still. 

Maybe I am trying to overcompensate for lost time and lessons learned. Maybe instead of being a sister, I am trying to be a mother. Maybe instead of helping, I am hurting. 
All I can say for sure is that I want, more than anything, to protect them from the mistakes that I made. 

When I found out I was pregnant with Amelia, I initially thought my entire life was crashing down. But, she was the best thing that has ever happened to me. She made me see the beauty in life. She made me appreciate time. She made me see clearly.

I wasted precious time on friends that I shouldn't have and  things that I shouldn't do. I wasted so much time wasting time. 

Now, they are looking at colleges, Where has time gone? How do I get it back?

The amount of joy I find in life because of them is unreal. But I don't think my heart could be any heavier right now. I didn't do my job as a big sister. And as a mother, and new woman, the only way I know to love them right now, is to protect them, like I used to. The thing is, they don't need protected anymore. They are far smarter than I was and I know they are everything that I should have been. 

I am so proud of the women they are. I am excited to see what they will become because I know it will be nothing short of extraordinary. I rejoice because they are  MY beautiful, intelligent and well-rounded sisters but I hurt because I know I had little to do with it.

I am not the same woman I used to be. I follow a new path, not because I have been told to, but because of what I know and what I have learned.
I hope we can make up for lost time.