Freedom.

I began writing this blog to document my personal journey through the course of motherhood. But truth is,  my life has been impacted  in more ways than I could ever express. I often write about all the wonderful, and sometimes painful, lessons I am taught but, I rarely publish them. I never really understood what it was that was stopping me. Maybe the fear of judgement.

I curled up on the couch yesterday and, with my sweet little flower asleep in my lap,  I wrote in my journal (yes I still write in a journal haha) until my hand couldn't write any longer. It was then that I came to a realization, and I know God placed this is my heart. Don't allow the harsh comments, judgement and snarks to diminish the joy that comes from writing. Don't allow yourself to be ashamed of your past; you are washed clean and living with an open heart. You are forgiven.

I can't tell you how many times I have been told, or read, about forgiveness. And out of all those times, it never truly meant anything to me. I was in church every week as a child. That is, as soon as I had the desire to go myself. I had an amazing childhood, with the best parents I could have ever asked for, but I was never forced to go to church. I'm not sure how my life would be different now if they had, but I truly believe that them giving me a choice is why I have such a personal and desirable relationship with God. I chose to be there. I loved learning the message but had absolutely no idea what it all meant.

 As I got older, I placed my life in my own hands. I was extremely goal oriented and worked incredibly hard to achieve them. I got such an amazing sense of satisfaction reaping the fruits of my own labor. I loved knowing that, alone, I was accomplishing so many things! Life was good. Little did I know, I wasn't doing it alone.

It wasn't until about two years ago, that I truly placed my life in His hands. I have always been an extremely scientific and analytical individual. I question everything, regardless of what is set before me. You could tell me 1000 times that the sky is blue, but until I see it myself I won't accept it as fact. This mindset was what held me back from truly believing. 

What is beautiful about it all is that, regardless of me running away, questioning, defying, doubting and disagreeing with Him, He chose to come back into my heart for another round. Good thing my heart was listening. He gave me forgiveness.

I changed as a woman, not because of the words of any man or woman in physical form, not even because of my little flower, but because of what I feel in my heart and know to be true.
Just because I am dedicated to fighting the battle to glorify God everyday, does not mean that I am any less fun than I used to be. It doesn't mean I am putting on an "all righteous" act. It doesn't mean that I stand above anyone else, for I am far from perfect. It doesn't mean I am without sin, I fight everyday. It doesn't mean I don't love everyone in my life just as much as I did before. It doesn't mean that I look at anyone any differently. It doesn't mean that I am hiding my past. It doesn't mean that I cast judgement on someone with a different lifestyle. Chances are, I have been there. It doesn't mean that I expect you to be different around me than you were before. It doesn't mean that I don't recognize my own flaws. It doesn't mean that I focus on yours. It doesn't mean that I am going to witness to you every conversation we have. It doesn't mean I don't respect your opinions, your questions, your problems, your beliefs..... because I do. It doesn't mean I have lost myself.


It hurts to know people that you love think you are not the person they love. They think God is a phase.
I am not a different person, but my heart has been washed, it is new.

It hurts to know people that you love think you have become something you are not. In reality, I was being someone I wasn't when I was living for myself, not the Lord.

These are the words, experiences, lessons . . .  I want to share.

So here is to freeing my spirit, living more beautifully than ever before, casting fear out if my heart and mind and sharing this wonderful journey for the world to read.