When you have been dealt the cards we have been dealt, you have no choice but to stick together. Good times and bad. Our family has plenty of skeletons in the closet, and some things, I think they were too young to remember. But one thing I do know is that from as early as I can remember, I always knew it was my job to protect them. Regardless of the situation, if I knew it would hurt me, it would hurt them more. So I always pushed them behind me.
I haven't been the greatest sister or role model to them. I haven't been a great friend.
I cast them aside when we were younger, because it was the cool thing to do. As I got older, I chose friends and boys over them. I rarely made time for them and all we did was fight anyway.
I walked down a path of destruction, and I fear I took them with me. Our childhood was unbelievably strict. I don't say that in an exaggerated sense in the least... So the second I felt freedom, I broke loose. I defied my parents, I went against what I knew was right, I lived without regret . . . I got pregnant.
I didn't provide them with the sister they deserved. I stopped protecting them. Sometimes God sends you a message in a very serious and life altering form. . . He told me to get it together. Stop living for yourself. Stop living like nobody else matters. . .
While I was in Columbus enjoying the nightlife and avoiding home as much as possible, my baby sisters were growing into young women. And I missed it all. I missed their proms, football games, birthdays, boyfriends, laughter, tears . . .
I missed being there to protect them.
While I was doing absolutely nothing productive or glorifying, they were starting a new chapter in theirs. I wish I could go back and tell them everything that I have learned and be present for all of those moments that shaped them into the beautiful young women that they are now. I don't think I will ever truly forgive myself for allowing my absence to go on for so long. Maybe they didn't miss me. But thinking back now, God, I missed them. I miss them still.
Maybe I am trying to overcompensate for lost time and lessons learned. Maybe instead of being a sister, I am trying to be a mother. Maybe instead of helping, I am hurting.
All I can say for sure is that I want, more than anything, to protect them from the mistakes that I made.
When I found out I was pregnant with Amelia, I initially thought my entire life was crashing down. But, she was the best thing that has ever happened to me. She made me see the beauty in life. She made me appreciate time. She made me see clearly.
I wasted precious time on friends that I shouldn't have and things that I shouldn't do. I wasted so much time wasting time.
Now, they are looking at colleges, Where has time gone? How do I get it back?
The amount of joy I find in life because of them is unreal. But I don't think my heart could be any heavier right now. I didn't do my job as a big sister. And as a mother, and new woman, the only way I know to love them right now, is to protect them, like I used to. The thing is, they don't need protected anymore. They are far smarter than I was and I know they are everything that I should have been.
I am so proud of the women they are. I am excited to see what they will become because I know it will be nothing short of extraordinary. I rejoice because they are MY beautiful, intelligent and well-rounded sisters but I hurt because I know I had little to do with it.
I am not the same woman I used to be. I follow a new path, not because I have been told to, but because of what I know and what I have learned.
I hope we can make up for lost time.
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