TIime will tell.

I'm laying in bed. Have had writer's block for a good hour... and I have no idea why I put so much effort into finding a "topic" to write about when I have all of these thoughts running through my head. I mean, isn't the point of writing to say what you can't physically express?

I've never been one for organized thoughts and planning.

It's crazy how something you never gave a second thought to becomes the entirety of every silence. 

I have always been content being alone. Especially after I found out about Amelia. 

Independence has always played a monumental role in my being. I love being self-sufficient... calling all the shots in my world. I love knowing that I can pick up and take off at a moment's notice, enjoy life as it comes and make my days, exactly, what I want them to be. Alone.

So what changed? 

The second I found out I was harboring a beautiful life, my world changed in entirety. Every goal, thought, habit, strength, weakness, belief ... was challenged. Suddenly, I find myself more domestic than I had ever imagined. Every thought, every action, is centered around my family. I want to clean and cook, I want to be proactive in the world of motherhood and help other women, I want to hold every baby I see and observe every child I cross paths with. This is all so foreign to me.

I have no desire to be involved with majority of my friends, or partake in any of the activities I once found almost euphoric. Majority of that life was based on pure ... bullshit. Maybe life has just finally been put into perspective.

As I lay here alone, I know something is missing. Something that I haven't needed, or wanted, for a long time. Someone beside me. Now is harder than ever to start dating again, and Im sure it won't happen for me for quite some time, but when it does ..... if it does .... what happens? 

I am a completely different person and I am looking for someone so foreign to my prior ideals. I have a family now, and I am not only carrying around my own standards, but I am packing on ten fold for miss A. He's got to be something beyond spectacular. 

I know that I am truthfully ready to find God's match for me. Im excited to see my little family grow and share all of those little moments with someone who appreciates them and cherishes them as much as I do. I want a partner, a lover, a friend ... an equal, a future, a husband.