Freedom.

I began writing this blog to document my personal journey through the course of motherhood. But truth is,  my life has been impacted  in more ways than I could ever express. I often write about all the wonderful, and sometimes painful, lessons I am taught but, I rarely publish them. I never really understood what it was that was stopping me. Maybe the fear of judgement.

I curled up on the couch yesterday and, with my sweet little flower asleep in my lap,  I wrote in my journal (yes I still write in a journal haha) until my hand couldn't write any longer. It was then that I came to a realization, and I know God placed this is my heart. Don't allow the harsh comments, judgement and snarks to diminish the joy that comes from writing. Don't allow yourself to be ashamed of your past; you are washed clean and living with an open heart. You are forgiven.

I can't tell you how many times I have been told, or read, about forgiveness. And out of all those times, it never truly meant anything to me. I was in church every week as a child. That is, as soon as I had the desire to go myself. I had an amazing childhood, with the best parents I could have ever asked for, but I was never forced to go to church. I'm not sure how my life would be different now if they had, but I truly believe that them giving me a choice is why I have such a personal and desirable relationship with God. I chose to be there. I loved learning the message but had absolutely no idea what it all meant.

 As I got older, I placed my life in my own hands. I was extremely goal oriented and worked incredibly hard to achieve them. I got such an amazing sense of satisfaction reaping the fruits of my own labor. I loved knowing that, alone, I was accomplishing so many things! Life was good. Little did I know, I wasn't doing it alone.

It wasn't until about two years ago, that I truly placed my life in His hands. I have always been an extremely scientific and analytical individual. I question everything, regardless of what is set before me. You could tell me 1000 times that the sky is blue, but until I see it myself I won't accept it as fact. This mindset was what held me back from truly believing. 

What is beautiful about it all is that, regardless of me running away, questioning, defying, doubting and disagreeing with Him, He chose to come back into my heart for another round. Good thing my heart was listening. He gave me forgiveness.

I changed as a woman, not because of the words of any man or woman in physical form, not even because of my little flower, but because of what I feel in my heart and know to be true.
Just because I am dedicated to fighting the battle to glorify God everyday, does not mean that I am any less fun than I used to be. It doesn't mean I am putting on an "all righteous" act. It doesn't mean that I stand above anyone else, for I am far from perfect. It doesn't mean I am without sin, I fight everyday. It doesn't mean I don't love everyone in my life just as much as I did before. It doesn't mean that I look at anyone any differently. It doesn't mean that I am hiding my past. It doesn't mean that I cast judgement on someone with a different lifestyle. Chances are, I have been there. It doesn't mean that I expect you to be different around me than you were before. It doesn't mean that I don't recognize my own flaws. It doesn't mean that I focus on yours. It doesn't mean that I am going to witness to you every conversation we have. It doesn't mean I don't respect your opinions, your questions, your problems, your beliefs..... because I do. It doesn't mean I have lost myself.


It hurts to know people that you love think you are not the person they love. They think God is a phase.
I am not a different person, but my heart has been washed, it is new.

It hurts to know people that you love think you have become something you are not. In reality, I was being someone I wasn't when I was living for myself, not the Lord.

These are the words, experiences, lessons . . .  I want to share.

So here is to freeing my spirit, living more beautifully than ever before, casting fear out if my heart and mind and sharing this wonderful journey for the world to read.

Lost Time.

I would love to be asleep right now. But I'm unbelievably awake with only one thing on my mind. . .the immeasurable amount of love I have for my baby sisters.

When you have been dealt the cards we have been dealt, you have no choice but to stick together. Good times and bad. Our family has plenty of skeletons in the closet, and some things, I think they were too young to remember. But one thing I do know is that from as early as I can remember, I always knew it was my job to protect them. Regardless of the situation, if I knew it would hurt me, it would hurt them more. So I always pushed them behind me. 

I haven't been the greatest sister or role model to them. I haven't been a great friend. 
I cast them aside when we were younger, because it was the cool thing to do. As I got older, I chose friends and boys over them. I rarely made time for them and all we did was fight anyway.
I walked down a path of destruction, and I fear I took them with me. Our childhood was unbelievably strict. I don't say that in an exaggerated sense in the least... So the second I felt freedom, I broke loose.  I defied my parents, I went against what I knew was right, I lived without regret . . . I got pregnant.

I didn't provide them with the sister they deserved. I stopped protecting them. Sometimes God sends you a message in a very serious and life altering form. . . He told me to get it together. Stop living for yourself. Stop living like nobody else matters. . . 


While I was in Columbus enjoying the nightlife and avoiding home as much as possible, my baby sisters were growing into young women. And I missed it all. I missed their proms, football games, birthdays, boyfriends, laughter, tears . . . 
I missed being there to protect them.

While I was doing absolutely nothing productive or glorifying, they were starting a new chapter in theirs. I wish I could go back and tell them everything that I have learned and be present for all of those moments that shaped them into the beautiful young women that they are now. I don't think I will ever truly forgive myself for allowing my absence to go on for so long. Maybe they didn't miss me. But  thinking back now, God, I missed them. I miss them still. 

Maybe I am trying to overcompensate for lost time and lessons learned. Maybe instead of being a sister, I am trying to be a mother. Maybe instead of helping, I am hurting. 
All I can say for sure is that I want, more than anything, to protect them from the mistakes that I made. 

When I found out I was pregnant with Amelia, I initially thought my entire life was crashing down. But, she was the best thing that has ever happened to me. She made me see the beauty in life. She made me appreciate time. She made me see clearly.

I wasted precious time on friends that I shouldn't have and  things that I shouldn't do. I wasted so much time wasting time. 

Now, they are looking at colleges, Where has time gone? How do I get it back?

The amount of joy I find in life because of them is unreal. But I don't think my heart could be any heavier right now. I didn't do my job as a big sister. And as a mother, and new woman, the only way I know to love them right now, is to protect them, like I used to. The thing is, they don't need protected anymore. They are far smarter than I was and I know they are everything that I should have been. 

I am so proud of the women they are. I am excited to see what they will become because I know it will be nothing short of extraordinary. I rejoice because they are  MY beautiful, intelligent and well-rounded sisters but I hurt because I know I had little to do with it.

I am not the same woman I used to be. I follow a new path, not because I have been told to, but because of what I know and what I have learned.
I hope we can make up for lost time.

Until now.

I had an assortment of papers and knick-knacks in a box that has been stored away for years, in my mom's attic. I decided to take a peek today.
Sometimes it's nice to revisit your past just to see how things have changed, how far you have come. This is the first things that I came to.
I remember reading this as a young teenager, over and over again. It was my favorite. So I kept it. It's funny, there were several times that I thought this applied to whomever was in my life at the moment, as long as I added a few things and omitted others. Until now.

I suppose he beat me to it, but I could have written this myself.

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments that life has thrown at you.
When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.
There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk  become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.
Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid its like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems to be part of daily like where before it was infrequent, or barely existed at all. A phone call or two during the day helps you get through the longest of days at work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there is no need for continuous conversation, but you find you are quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so unbelievably special to you. You think of them on every occasion and in everything that you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.
 You open your heart knowing that there is a chance it may get broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing that you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate, who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile.
Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
-Bob Marley

How Do You know?

How do you know when it's right? When is it really the right time to just let go of every boundary you have set in place, forget about everyone else in your past and forget all the times you have been hurt. How do you know when it's okay to take a chance again? When will someone come along that will make you look past everyone else that you pass in the future? When will you know they are the person that will change everything?

You just know.
I hate this answer. I hated feeling like my turn was just taking the scenic route and got lost along the way. I hated feeling confused. "Is this it? Maybe it's not. What if it is and I mess it up." I hated feeling like I had to sacrifice my happiness in order to keep a relationship together. Blah blah blah. You know what.... You REALLY DO just know.

You have an "aha" moment, where everything makes perfect sense. Things you overlooked before are as clear as day.

Believe that when things don't work out, it's because God has something better waiting for you.
Believe that there is someone who will love you to the ends of the earth, for everything that you are!
Believe that the only way to be truly happy is to be happy with yourself first.
Believe that perfect exists!
---------
After Amelia, my ideals changed. Her needs were more important than mine and I wasn't sure how to find someone that would be everything we both wanted and deserved.
I think Im off to a pretty good start. Whether this is for a moment or a lifetime, I think it's perfect.

So how do I know?

He never makes me feel like I'm competing for his attention.
He never leaves me to wonder.
He makes me feel beautiful and smart and special.
He never makes promises he doesn't keep.
He brushes my hair out of my face.
He challenges me.
He tells me he misses me and means it.
He makes it impossible to be upset when he is around.
He teaches me things, without even knowing it.
He encourages me.
He has an incredible smile.
He looks at me when I'm not paying attention to him.
He laughs at all my jokes, funny or not.
He is educated.
He cares about the world around us.
He has a kind heart.
He loves to hear me laugh.
He opens my car door, even when he has his hands full.
He is gentle.
He wears sweaters :)
He isn't scared to talk about the future.
He appreciates me.
He understands that my daughter will always come first.
He respects me.
He has a deeper understanding of what it means to be a man than anyone I've ever met.
He only lies to me when he says he is done tickling me.
He has a personal relationship with God.
He loves the mother that I am.
He makes me smile.
He apologizes even when he isnt wrong.
He is so predictably unpredictable.
He loves his family.
He is the funniest person I've ever met.
He sings to us.
He knows I could listen to him all day.
He picks at me, but is never mean.
He is confident but not arrogant.
He always brings out the good in me.
He has a way of making all my worries disappear.
He makes every second complete bliss.
I can't imagine a more well rounded man.
He sends me a good morning message every morning.
He is a complete goof.
He is self sufficient.
He is a man of his word.
He is just as adventurous as me.
He drives safe with me in the car, and even safer with the baby.
He never pushes me or my thoughts aside.
He pretends to enjoy things, just to appease me.
He always cheers me up.
He is genuinely concerned with our well being.
He has opinions.
He puts God first.
He helps me through even the most difficult hands im dealt.
I never feel lonely, even when we aren't together.
He always tries to make me happy.
He isn't scared to be himself with me.
He respects and loves his mother.
He isn't scared to dream big.
He lets me cry on his shoulder.
He never makes me feel small.
He accepts my past, and never uses it against me.
He makes life easy for me.
He loves my daughter.
He is always late.
He makes me strive to be a better person.
He surprises me.
He listens when I talk.
When he looks at me, he is really looking at me.
He pulls me closer, even when we are close.
He positively impacts my life daily.
He protects me.
He knows the kind of man he wants to be to his children.
He treats me like a princess.
He works hard.
He kisses my forehead.
He thinks I drive great... For a woman.
He knows what he deserves.
He talks about A almost as much as I do.
I've never heard an ill word about him.
He lets me know he cares by his actions not just his words.
He, somehow, alway knows what I am thinking.
He inspires me.
He makes me believe in fairytales.

Feel love.

"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman I feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah Blah. Don't let someone steal your tenderness. Don't allow the coldness of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it is a song, a stranger, a mountain, a raindrop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all-look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love."
-Zooey Deschanel

This woman speaks the inner works of my heart.

TIime will tell.

I'm laying in bed. Have had writer's block for a good hour... and I have no idea why I put so much effort into finding a "topic" to write about when I have all of these thoughts running through my head. I mean, isn't the point of writing to say what you can't physically express?

I've never been one for organized thoughts and planning.

It's crazy how something you never gave a second thought to becomes the entirety of every silence. 

I have always been content being alone. Especially after I found out about Amelia. 

Independence has always played a monumental role in my being. I love being self-sufficient... calling all the shots in my world. I love knowing that I can pick up and take off at a moment's notice, enjoy life as it comes and make my days, exactly, what I want them to be. Alone.

So what changed? 

The second I found out I was harboring a beautiful life, my world changed in entirety. Every goal, thought, habit, strength, weakness, belief ... was challenged. Suddenly, I find myself more domestic than I had ever imagined. Every thought, every action, is centered around my family. I want to clean and cook, I want to be proactive in the world of motherhood and help other women, I want to hold every baby I see and observe every child I cross paths with. This is all so foreign to me.

I have no desire to be involved with majority of my friends, or partake in any of the activities I once found almost euphoric. Majority of that life was based on pure ... bullshit. Maybe life has just finally been put into perspective.

As I lay here alone, I know something is missing. Something that I haven't needed, or wanted, for a long time. Someone beside me. Now is harder than ever to start dating again, and Im sure it won't happen for me for quite some time, but when it does ..... if it does .... what happens? 

I am a completely different person and I am looking for someone so foreign to my prior ideals. I have a family now, and I am not only carrying around my own standards, but I am packing on ten fold for miss A. He's got to be something beyond spectacular. 

I know that I am truthfully ready to find God's match for me. Im excited to see my little family grow and share all of those little moments with someone who appreciates them and cherishes them as much as I do. I want a partner, a lover, a friend ... an equal, a future, a husband.

fate.

     It's interesting how people come back into your life, unexpectedly, stronger than ever before. Is it coincidence? OR did the universe recognize that this is what is truly meant to me, it was just waiting for the right time to reintroduce you to your destiny?
     I believe that the right people fall into our lives at the wrong time, making them the wrong people. But, if they are truly monumental to your personal growth and life journey, they will find their way back home.
     Always have faith that what should be, will be.

"...and as it is written, so it mote be."